Disappointment

Lately, I have been feeling an extreme amount of disappointment. I have held it back for a very long time. But lately, it has grown into a raging inferno inside of me. Over the years, I have told myself that I'm not allowed to be angry or disappointed...at least when it comes to outward expression of either. Is it wrong? What does it say about my faith and my heart? I was scared to admit that there was an ever-growing pain of disappointment and anger. Until it finally boiled over. The inciting incident doesn't matter. But, my reaction tells me everything. I have never raged so hard in my life. I did it privately, only the Lord saw the ugly display. I didn't even realize how much I had bottled up until I literally could not hold it in for one more second. It was horrible...I screamed at the top of my lungs until I literally vomited. I have never before allowed myself to become upset to that point.

What now? Now that I said all those things that I was afraid to say. Yes, the Lord knew them before, but now they are actually spoken. Can He forgive me? What does this mean about my heart condition? What do I do? I feel as if I am scolding or questioning the Lord. I have no right!! So, what is next? I don't know yet. I have been too afraid and, truthfully, too angry to approach Him. But I want more. I am disappointed, but I don't want to stay there. Lord, if I dare come, will you meet me? Will you help me understand? I feel so abandoned. Beyond my feelings, I want to come. I want to trust. I want to grow. I had my temper tantrum, now is it time for the discipline? I don't know what to say or do except may Your will be done in my life. I plead the blood of Jesus over my sins. So, I come and lay down my disappointment and anger...take it and all of me.